It's Monday Morning.... I got some B12, B6 & caffeine in my system....
So much on my mind.... & it's BLOG time....
Sometimes remaining in denail is just easier.
....I mean, literally. So, turns out, I guess empty faith leads to being in denial, and the comfort in the "hope," you let yourself have during denial can lead directly into a clusterfuck. That clusterfuck then turns the denial into mirror mode ( eventually....) , and when you see everything for what it is, it's seriously the biggest bitch smack from reality ever. Rarely do I blog about, "love," issues, because - "eh." ( yeah, that's all I got, "eh," lol. ) But this Monday on the 1st of fucking October? It's that kind of day for a rant from hell.
I may be terminally single. And i'm alright with that, to some extent anyway. Most extents really. Luckily for me, I don't need to have a man in my corner to feel validated in life. I may be called bitter, and I am. I may be called a bitch, and I definitely am - but what I am NOT being called anymore is stupid, naive, oblivious, passive, baby, dear, hun, blind OR a fuckin' doormat. And that alone works for me, lol. I'm definitely a "relationship driven," female. I'd rather build something with somebody, then waste time on 2 weeks here with that guy, and two weeks there with the other guy ( *cough/cough* you indecisive whores, lol. ) Thing is, relationships? The often fail. Maybe if people would of had their heads massaged with a damn brick, got enlightened by electroshock therapy or simply kept their lane closed off to the many, many true wastes of a female reproductive system, then maybe shit would be different. Gabi validates my existence, a relationship doesn't, and I can't LET a relationship with any damn body, other than my child, define SHIT about me.
And being single, as in, literally, noone, nothing, nada - is good for the soul. I'm not anti-relationships, believe that, i'm not - but i'd rather believe in the gnarly ugly and repulsive truth, than the beautiful lies/delusions right now. My day will come..... maybe. But my breath is definitely NOT being held. Refusing to, "settle for less," anymore essentially slams the door shut on possibilities of love & all things mushy. Again, i'm okay with that, too. FACT is, whores are PLENTIFUL and lies are still too common. Two things that never seem to change. There is always some disgusting excuse for a female, ready, willing and excited to homewreck and always that guy, who acts like he was manipulated, or accidently fell into some vagina. What happened to accountability? Because lately? I've seen NONE. I can admit, i've been a love starved cow settling for that type of fuckery. Allowing it into my life, for a very long time, on different levels. My forgiveness and chances just aren't in my vocabulary anymore. "How they treat you, is how they feel about you." That type of fuckery is that kind of shit that has the potential to destroy the progress i've made with MYSELF. Letting these types of situations continually occur within the walls of MY World, could literally sabotage every step forward i've made since January. And um, no - I can't allow that to happen. I can't allow anybody to play that kind of power position in my life, because it's so risky, and not worth losing who I am over.
Thing is, I shouldn't have to feel like I have to build walls, against the actions the ones I love in my life, choose to take. That just isn't right, it's not kosher, and I just can't.
And being single, as in, literally, noone, nothing, nada - is good for the soul. I'm not anti-relationships, believe that, i'm not - but i'd rather believe in the gnarly ugly and repulsive truth, than the beautiful lies/delusions right now. My day will come..... maybe. But my breath is definitely NOT being held. Refusing to, "settle for less," anymore essentially slams the door shut on possibilities of love & all things mushy. Again, i'm okay with that, too. FACT is, whores are PLENTIFUL and lies are still too common. Two things that never seem to change. There is always some disgusting excuse for a female, ready, willing and excited to homewreck and always that guy, who acts like he was manipulated, or accidently fell into some vagina. What happened to accountability? Because lately? I've seen NONE. I can admit, i've been a love starved cow settling for that type of fuckery. Allowing it into my life, for a very long time, on different levels. My forgiveness and chances just aren't in my vocabulary anymore. "How they treat you, is how they feel about you." That type of fuckery is that kind of shit that has the potential to destroy the progress i've made with MYSELF. Letting these types of situations continually occur within the walls of MY World, could literally sabotage every step forward i've made since January. And um, no - I can't allow that to happen. I can't allow anybody to play that kind of power position in my life, because it's so risky, and not worth losing who I am over.
Thing is, I shouldn't have to feel like I have to build walls, against the actions the ones I love in my life, choose to take. That just isn't right, it's not kosher, and I just can't.
I've been so selective this year, and with my life and choices in general. I'm focusing on Gabi, my future and my friendships more than anything. I no longer am recycling people in and out of my life on the regular. I have my few consistent few. The bona fide - I have those in my life. I am thankful. I've been having the, "he said/she said," crap thrown at me lately, from various sources about how i've been distant, or withdrawn from them, or the, "Is Courtney mad at me?" type stuff. What it boils down to is this - the older I get, and the more experiences i've had with people, i've come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no point in filling your life with non-purpose serving individuals, with energy draining antics from people not willing to help themselves, with people who only desire communication with me for advice they never take, or hitting me up hoping that i'll explosively take care of their drama. People, I have hardly ANY drama ( Let's every one of us, have a moment of silence for me being able to factually say that shit! )
Don't get me wrong, stupid shit presents itself to me, but it's not my choices bringing the fuckery into my lane. Anyway, I don't want people in my bubble who conform and act submissive, don't express themselves, don't even have it in them to be their own advocate for their lives and prefer misery over change. I can't play, "Dr.Phil," for people anymore - i've been taking care of ME and my mind set ALL YEAR, and literally, I can't really help anybody to change their lives, they have to want it.
And most times, I'm trying to convince people that their better than they're treating themselves, and it's almost like, they know i'll be the positivity they need, only to turn around and take none of my advice and then weeks/months later, think i'm going to hold them down when they find themselves in another self-induced miserable situation. I CAN'T. I can only have people in my life that have ambition. Spending time with people that have no ambition and absolutely no drive to succeed in life? Never a good idea, because you wind up turning into that in certain ways, and again, it's something too fuckin' risky. I have zero interest. If one can't accept that, feel real fuckin' free to vacate the premises. Trust me, I don't want or need anyone elses apparently embraced negativity. Especially, when it's taken me years to come to grips with the mistakes i've made towards my own life, with myself accepting so much negativity - I can't offer you anything more, I won't confine myself to anything less - I am who I am, and I can't let stupid shit in.
Don't get me wrong, stupid shit presents itself to me, but it's not my choices bringing the fuckery into my lane. Anyway, I don't want people in my bubble who conform and act submissive, don't express themselves, don't even have it in them to be their own advocate for their lives and prefer misery over change. I can't play, "Dr.Phil," for people anymore - i've been taking care of ME and my mind set ALL YEAR, and literally, I can't really help anybody to change their lives, they have to want it.
And most times, I'm trying to convince people that their better than they're treating themselves, and it's almost like, they know i'll be the positivity they need, only to turn around and take none of my advice and then weeks/months later, think i'm going to hold them down when they find themselves in another self-induced miserable situation. I CAN'T. I can only have people in my life that have ambition. Spending time with people that have no ambition and absolutely no drive to succeed in life? Never a good idea, because you wind up turning into that in certain ways, and again, it's something too fuckin' risky. I have zero interest. If one can't accept that, feel real fuckin' free to vacate the premises. Trust me, I don't want or need anyone elses apparently embraced negativity. Especially, when it's taken me years to come to grips with the mistakes i've made towards my own life, with myself accepting so much negativity - I can't offer you anything more, I won't confine myself to anything less - I am who I am, and I can't let stupid shit in.
As an adult... Hm... No, as an adult progressing her way through life after hitting the "reset," button at the start of the year - I just do not authorize any damn thing or person to negatively and intentionally do and/or bring filthy shit and situations in my World, or my kids' World. The former version of myself? Has long been discontinued. ( Thank Jesus. ) Initially, it wasn't a walk in the damn park to make the necessary changes in my life happen - but omg, discarding the excess baggage and it's excess bullshit has done AMAZING things for me, and my mind - and really, my life as a whole. I'm definitely on some new shit, some up-to-date shit, standards raised shit. HOWEVER, the one part of my life I can just never get a damn grip on, is love. But, I became "blahzay," just talking about love. GAHHH-BAAAGEEE.
- Reality. Do you have a grip on it? Or do you prefer the blamer's lifestyle, or the 'cantholdyourselfaccountableforamotherfuckinthing' mentality? People are ridiculous. But honestly? It's not my place to clown on these assclowns. Because even though i've never actually been an assclown, such as they are - i've surely been farrr from reality, many times, and been both naive and oblivious to some of the most obvious things. Again, never an assclown, lol. People are so, so mindless with the choices they make, we're all guilty of doing it at different points in our life, with our experiences. But, mindless, is definitely something that I no longer am. Reality? That's where my head is. Certain aspects of my life right now? Damn. Greater fucktaciousness I have NEVER experienced in my life, other than these certain aspects. But I am DETERMINED to make damn sure that every single thing that happens in my life, goes through a lengthy filtration system before having any ability to effect, change or alter my life/day and/or mood. Holding myself to the same standards i'm holding the people in my life to. You have to protect your life, your emotions, your future, your mental capacity. You can't fill your life with things and people who don't matter, and don't even matter to themselves. It's unhealthy and nobody is worth backsliding for, especially when you're a parent.
"Where must one go to find it?
Time is real, we can't rewind it.
Out of everyone I've met,
who told the truth?
Time did." --Common.
"They play it safe;
are quick to assassinate what they do not understand.
They move in packs,
ingesting more and more fear with every act of hate on one another.
They feel most comfortable in groups...
less guilt to swallow.
They are US. This is what we have become.
Afraid to respect the individual...
A single person within a circumstance can move on to change...
to love herself... to EVOLVE."
-- Erykah Badu.
__________________________________________-
Anyway. I'll be blogging more frequently now, because I feel like i'm going to be embarking on some networking sooner than later, just to see if I still got it. It's not a "different chapter," for me, it's a whole new book. I'm scared, excited, hurt, content, confused, proud, bitter and optimistic. Yes, a clusterfuck. But, I know me, and I know i'll find my way, and be released from the little bullshit I have left to work through, and i'll be victorious. I will prevail and I don't need anybody to tell me that, because I know I will.
Oh, and i'm trying to get one of my friends "Deb," to start a blog. She would be such a fabulous blogger. So I am going to start getting back on blog rolls, to promote my blog and hopefully hers. SHOUTOUT TO YOU MZ.DEB <3
- Courtney.
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